They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
