I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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