My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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