Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize