walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize