she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
