mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
