I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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