my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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