I wish I could teleport
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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