I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
zippers are such a cool invention
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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