so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
