I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
