I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
