I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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