If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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