My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
