Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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