true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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