Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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