i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
