Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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