So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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