We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I looked at my own cervix.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
