would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
