people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
