she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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