it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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