I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
you had me at cake vodka
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Randomize
