I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
