when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
