You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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