I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just want to make out with him forever
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
