I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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