I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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