I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
