I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
