just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
