How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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