So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize