I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize