Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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