Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
