May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
