Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
