Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
