Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
