If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
