Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
