4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
