I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
