i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
