it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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