She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
