he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she smelled like a LAN party
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
