babies were throwing up all over the place
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
