I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
