I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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