I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
