we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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