a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
