I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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