the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
