its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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