I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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